Neil Sedaka Kicks Ass

Neil Sedaka is one cool human. I jumped out of the bushes as he stepped from a limo and he never flinched. I was impressed, and invited him down to the cave to slack with the band. He was gracious enough to sign this Sedaka poster for us.  He didn't flinch again when a rather large spider ran by his feet. The guy has nerves of steel. The band jammed with him playing some of his classic songs.

Slacker Jason showed Neil a prototype of some Slacker Guitar glasses that he's been developing. Neil was honest and said he didn't think they'd be big sellers. He said we needed something that would stand out more. We appreciate honesty like that.

Neil, we've placed your picture on our cave shrine wall as a true Slacker friend. There are many slacker friends on the shrine wall and you'll be placed prominently so everyone will know that you are now dubbed Slacker Neil. Congratulations!

Guano... Babe Magnet

Human females are beginning to swarm me like centipedes on an injured mouse. They poke my face with their lips and jiggle my troll flesh. They hold up two fingers behind each others heads to imitate my troll ears. I put up with them for a while until they start to shriek and whine. They are definitely the strangest humans I've had to deal with so far. I'm not sure I understand what it is they want. I'm not sure that THEY know either. I'm relatively safe from them here in the cave unless they wander in. I may have to set some traps around the entrance...

My SLACKER band is forging ahead despite that one of the lazy bastards has escaped. And Heidi, my kitty is getting bigger as she's been feasting on eels and koi fish.
See? My plan to have NO plan is working out perfectly!! *snort*

SLACKER in the Medical News!

Can you believe that SLACKER can help cure you of aches and pains?  How about diseases?
Ay!  What the hell do you got to lose, eh?  Try a shot of Slacker and you might find out what these medical researchers found out, that SLACKER cures you of stuff!!!

Witch Troll is Which?

Guano has become the poster-troll for a show being put on by "The Witches Cotillion" from Salem, Massachusetts with proceeds going to help an organization which helps kitties like my own kitty, Heidi (except Heidi is loved), but others are not so fortunate.

Ay!  We're talking about a real eyeball dazzler with cool stuff you ain't NEVER seen before, like ripping rock bands with hairy-armed musicians and witches and tattooed bald guys with veins on their head.  Don't be afraid!  Get out of your damn cave and see life before you're dead! This is a life in a once-time experience!  Go and have a Wiccan good time!

I'm talking about Massa-frickin'-chusetts in October just before Halloween!  Are you kiddin' me?? This show is gonna be awesome!  Deep 6 is playing live. That's the band Jimmy D'Angelo is in... and he LOVES trolls and kitties!
The Witches Cotillion chose ME, Guano, to help promote their show, even though I'm six thousand miles away from them.  That's because I'm becoming famous.  My trollish good looks are irresistabull!!! *snort*

SLACKER Bllboards going up!

Ernie is one of the only humans I know who has a tail like me. Except that it grows outta his chin.

I had asked Ernie to paint me a human-sized poster of the new SLACKER CD so that MY beeyootiful image would be life-sized.  Look at dat!  He did a great job.  I was so impressed that I put him in charge of the Japanese promotional campaign.

He now has some weird humans standing on Tokyo street corners handing out SLACKER flyers and selling CDs.  We all know how the Japanese LOVE cute things, so they're gunna LOVE me!

As of yesterday the first billboard went up in the Akihabara section of Tokyo.  The Japanese culture is now absorbing my troll image.  My trollness is seeping into ALL of your minds.   You cannot resist me!  HA HAR HAR!    *snort*

Cookin' up new songs and a mammal

Another wild band rehearsal in the cave last night.  Slacker Jason was hanging around and Slacker Kragen was poking him wit' a stick.  Small fires were set.  Beer bottles were shattered on rocks.  Typical Slacker behavior.  Eventually they got around to rehearsing and worked on some new tunes.  The "Funky Pirate" is beginning to take shape.  A funk song sung by pirates... GOOD STUFF!  It's about Pirates who are out lookin' to find some Booty, or I should say, Boo-tay...

As for me, I huddled around the fire for a while, then got me a great idea.  I tried out a new barbeque recipe.  I concocted a sauce made from Guano's Merlot, shoyu and fermented fruit paste.  I spread it onto a mammal and barbequed for 30 minutes. It was scrumptilious!

GUANO is SO LONELY

This is my kitty.  Her name is Heidi.  I found her in a dumpster, all alone, meowing for help.  I licked her clean and kept her warm.  It's hard to be all alone.. Humans can be so cruel sometimes.  I wish I had friends but NOBODY LOVES ME....  Even an ugly troll needs love.

Won't you be MY friend???? .... on Facebook???
Your friend,
Guano Troll

DOWNLOADS NOW AVAILABLE

Ay humans! You can now add SLACKER songs to your iPod, or whatever the hell you use.
The album is available in digital music stores, including iTunes. Just click above on the "MUSIC" page.

Speakin' of iTunes, here's a pitcha of dat Steve Jobs guy when he was talking about meeting me.  Yeah, dat's right.  I was in a park gnawing on a rotten apple and he was glaring at me. Where do ya think he got that logo idea from?  I chased him until he started screaming like a little girl.  So I let him go.

Now go to the MUSIC PAGE! *snort*

GUANO is FINE ART... sorta

Ron Pitts is a friend to SLACKER and has visited the rehearsal cave many times.  Even though he slacks most o' the time, he occasionally paints fine art and displays it locally.  I even got one of his mermaid paintings hanging down here by the toilet.  I met Ron on a tugboat.  He was the chief engineer who came down to fix the diesel engine and I was asleep under a pressure valve.  When I woke up, there he was gawkin' at me with a raised wrench.  I farted from fear, he laughed, and we became friends.


Ron also illustrates humans doing crazy things for a newspaper called Maui Time Weekly in a column they call "Eh Brah".

Well, this week he put a pitcha of ME, Guano, right into the illustration that appeared in the paper!  See the pitcha on da wall? Howdaya like dat!?  Pretty sneaky, eh? 
Thanx Ron, for thinkin' of ME.  You are one of da GOOD humans!

SLACKER tears it up at SLACKFEST

 Ay!  This is Guano! To celebrate the new CD, SLACKER went frickin' crazy at SLACKFEST.  Just watch the video of their song "In Front of Everybody".

That's the 2nd track on the CD.  A couple of gorgeous dancers help out in the background too.  Smoke and lights and loud music makes me happy!

Here's a pitcha of SLACKER with Slacker Sharon, who we also call Mama Slacker.

And Slacker Mark is VERY proud of himself after blowing the crap out of his drum monitor.  Yeah, dat's what I'm talkin' about!!  Speaker shrapnel was being barfed all over him like a confetti cannon.

SEE? I TOLD YA

The debut SLACKER CD arrived at my cave today and they came out great!  Ten songs of pure Slackdom from those four goofs in the band. I peeled off the cellophane and my image is clear and red.  It made me wanna dance!

I was so happy I bit the postman in the butt on his way out just for the hell of it.  I opened it up and my image is right there on the CD itself!  Then I'm on the inside cover too!!!  I was so excited I drooled all over it!

I'm even on the frickin' back!!!  Guano is EVERYWHERE!  DEAL WITH IT YOU HUMAN GOOBERS!! AARHAHARARAR!!

Here's a list of the SLACKER songs.

1. No Commercial Value

2. In Front of Everybody

3. Kill Her!

4. Midlife Crisis

5. Beer Song

6. Guano         (that one's about ME!!!)

7. Strange Arpeggio

8. Who is Foolin' Who

9. Kashmir

10. Spy Stuff

Those last two are BONUS TRACKS.  Kashmir is SLACKER's version of the Led Zeppelin song.  I refer to it as Slackmir.  Then there's Spy Stuff.  That's three spy songs that are so sharky you'll find yourself gnawing on your own tail.  I know I did. 

But, Guano, where can I buy it? SLACKER will soon be available on iTunes, CD Baby and other download music sites.  I'll let you know so RELAX!  If you're anxious, I'll mail ya some if you can't wait.  I'll even autograph it. How's that?  Maybe include an 8x10 of ME!.  All for just $10 bux.  Drop me an email at slackerband@gmail.com... that is, if you can muster the strength to get off your damn couch.

Ay! Don't forget to order a SLACKER T-shirt or you'll be a complete loser.

SLACKER and Kris K

SLACKER was thrilled to have Kris Kristofferson stop down to the cave recently.  This is one of the few humans I actually like!  In fact, I even jumped into the photo myself.  He didn't run off like the last guy.  Kris said he was very anxious to listen to the new SLACKER tunes.

Then he gave all of us a CD that he recorded which is called "Closer to the Bone".  I can relate to that title... I love bones.  He even autographed 'em for us.  What a nice guy.  You're welcome to come down and slack with us in the rehearsal cave anytime, Kris.

Guano has a new Camera

I followed Slacker Jason & Slacker Sofia to a nice beach yesterday.  I dug some holes and found out where the crabs hide.  I also caught one large tasty cane spider.  The rotten egg stench from the nearby sugar cane refinery was wonderful.

I was just getting cozy in a tree when some tourist started taking photos and pointing.  I had to chase the lady down the beach until she dropped the camera.  But I think I bit off a little of her left heel.  That camera takes good pitchas!

Here's what Slacker Jason looked like when I got back.

Here's one of the crabs I ate.

Here's a picture of my skin.











We're still waiting for the new SLACKER CD to arrive any day now. They keep emailing me and asking if we really want to proceed...
  
SLACKER will be performing at SLACKFEST next week and I'm gunna take me some pitchas with my new camera.  If I can get one of those video cameras, I'll shoot some video too and post it on my YouTube channel.  I am becoming a media mongrel!

A visit from Kenny G

There's this musician called Kenny G who came down to the cave to meet SLACKER.  They talked about music and he was showing off some kind of brass bong that he brought.  I was resting behind the amplifiers and took a picture of him.

They slacked around the cave for a while and he seemed quite happy.  Then, I don't know what happened... Slacker Steve was playing a SLACKER song on a boom box and I thought Kenny was diggin' it.  I even felt comfortable enough to jump down off my perch to get a better shot.

That's when his whole demeanor changed and his curly hair got all wacky.  He made the same screeching sound one o' those seabirds make when I clamp my jaws down on 'em...  hurts my ears.

You pathetic humans just act so weird sometimes.  How the hell do you live like that?  You're all way too unpredictable.

So then he runs outta the cave like a cat that just got his tail bit off.  I'm hoping he just wanted to tell somebody about the great songs.  Oh well...whatever...
I DID like his hair.

Booze by GUANO

The more I hang out with the guys in SLACKER, the more I realize they haven't got a clue.  The ONLY thing they can do right is play music.  Listen to the "BEER SONG" in the YouTube video below.  That song makes me dance.  BTW, they start it off with, "swig, swill, drink" instead of one, two, tree.  I told 'em to do dat.  Know why? They can't count!  Idiots, I tell ya.

 

Hey, if any of you goofy beer brewers want to license SLACKER's Beer Song to promote your lagers, contact me.  If not, I'll just have to brew up some swill of my own. 

Yeah, dat's right...  I can make my own beer right here in the cave.  "But Guano, are you MAD?", you ask.  Ay listen, dis place is PERFECT for fermenting crap.  I trow all my garbage into a series of cave pools down here.  Each one develops its own repugnant flavor after a while.  All I gotta do is chill it and bottle it, see?  It'll be Guano's SLACKER Troll Beer.  How 'bout dem apples?  Sounds duhlicious, don't it?

Ay! Howzabout my own vintage wine, hmmm?  I could fill some empty WWII oil drums that I found down here and let 'em sit where it's dark and dank, which is pretty much anywhere.  After it ages for a month or two I'll market it to all you hairless monkeys as a "mighty Cabernet featuring a robusty BOOkay with just a light scent of fish".

See?  Click on da pitchas for a close-up!

Think about it!  I'm a genius!  What's wrong wit you people!!?

You're all a buncha idiots

Last night I found a nice hole in the sidewalk to lay down in and as soon as that frick'n sun came up, some lady starts yelling at me.  She made me jump and bump my head.  Why do humans have to freak out like a trapped mongoose when they see me?  All that hysterical crying and pointing...

See, the guys in SLACKER don't get all stupid like that.

Look, they even put MY image on the cover of their new CD. Then they try to make their faces look like mine.  Or maybe its just that they can smell what I'm smellin'.  But there's Slacker Jason and Slacker Steve with the prototype cover of their new CD that's gunna be out on July 1st.  Maybe THEN you bat-rastards will start to appreciate my unique bee-yooty!

SLACKER UPDATE

A SLACKER version of the great Led Zeppelin song "Kashmir" will appear on the much anticipated SLACKER CD due to be out on July 1st, 2011.  The original Zep tune was written by Jimmy Page, Robert Plant and John Bonham and was released in 1975 on their famous Physical Graffiti album.  Kashmir is typically ranked very high among the greatest classic rock songs of all time.
 

SLACKER would like to thank the Rock Gods of Zep, WB Music Corp and Flames of Albion Music for granting permission to release the song on their upcoming self-titled CD.

"What da heck were you thinkin'?" asks Slacker Mark.

"Hey Plant, you kick ass!" says Slacker Jason.

Slacker Steve (not shown) snickered that Mr. Plant will probably regret this day for the rest of his life.

BABY GUANO

These buttfaced band guys keep asking me where I came from.  So for all you human idiots who think trolls are born old, here's a picture of me when I was a baby.  See? I wasn't always this handsome.

Yeah, that's right, I think I'm gunna post whatever I want to this band website.  I'm also gunna be adding a store where you morons can buy SLACKER CDs, t-shirts, hats and whatever other useless crap I can sell you. Of course, much of it will feature ME. After all, it's really ALL about ME! The one and only celebrity band troll.
SNORT!

SLACKER playing "BEER SONG" on YOUTUBE

Ay! Dis is Guano.
I fell asleep on a freight barge last week and ended up on the Big Island.  I spent a few days in a lava tube.  The chickens over there have a smoky taste and I love the stench of fresh vog.  But I had to hitch a ride back to Maui in time for the live SLACKER gig. Yeah, da boys did good! The BEER SONG got some yelps and cheers and I saw some of them humans holding up their beer glasses to the band.  I love drunkards.

Hear the BEER SONG on this YouTube video.

See SLACKER on stage? Yeah, what a bunch of idiots. That's me watchin' from backstage. I had some kind of crappy dark beer with sun-dried centipedes as hors dwarves.

SLACKER is off to a pretty good start for a bunch of lazy-ass knuckle headed humans.
So stay tuned here for updates on what stupid things SLACKER might do next.

SLACKER NEWS!

SLACKER CD is almost finished!   TRACK 5 on the disc is called "BEER SONG".

The day the mastering was completed for this song, Slacker Jason took it over to the producers of the Maui Brewers Festival thinking it might be something they'd be interested in.  They immediately chose it as the theme song for the Maui Brewfest!  Radio ads with the Beer Song were running the very next day!  One day after the song was completed, it was playing on the radio

Not only that...

SLACKER will play LIVE at the Maui Brewers Festival on the stage of the brand new outdoor Yokouchi Pavilion at the Maui Arts & Cultural Center on May 14th, 2011. Don't miss this performance!

IN OTHER NEWS...

GUANO HAS BEEN SPOTTED on the BIG ISLAND!

Guano is Still MIA

What a week! We are terribly concerned about our beloved Guano. We placed LOST TROLL flyers around town and have received some responses. Unfortunately, these photos were taken before he disappeared.

This photo above was sent to us showing Guano, barely visible, bush-slacking in the outskirts of the park, typical of his troll behavior. Not the cat... but the red blob of crud in the background. This was more than a week ago, however. 

Poochie snapped a shot of him in the garbage cans, which scared the bejeezus out of him. You can just see him poking his bat ears out of the can.

Somebody by the name of Crapplebum spotted him by the school dumpsters. We can't tell what's going on there.

And then just before he disappeared, he was seen asleep on top of the porta potty by the harbor. That Slacker would scare the crap out of any unsuspecting slob trying to take a dump. 
He probably realizes that he affects people who stumble across him in the dark, but he seems to not care in the least.


Please contact us at Slackerband@gmail.com if you spot our red troll.
Thank you,
The Slacker team

OUR TROLL IS MISSING!

Have you seen our beloved Guano?  We are very worried about him. He disappeared on May 1st.  Last seen in Wailuku at Keopuolani Park rummaging through dumpsters.  No distinguishing marks except that he's very red and has a small but disgusting boil on his nose.  Been known to sleep in areas with feral cats.  Distinct odor of ass.

DO NOT APPROACH HIM!  He's very grouchy to strangers, but when given candy he becomes as gentle as a rabid mongoose.  He also eats geckos, small birds, frogs and old slippahs.  We need him back to promote our band.
Contact us at slackerband@gmail.com

REWARD!
A free SLACKER CD and some beer

Thanks for looking,
 The Slacker Team

MY FIRST POST

These guys came into my cave and made a lotta noise. At first, I wanted to kill them and stuff their corpses into crevices. But then the loud music they were playing rattled the bugs loose from the ceiling, which I eat.  So I made a deal with them...

I let them rehearse in my cave and in turn they feed me. I eat candy and chocolate. They named the band SLACKER after me cuz I don't do much 'cept pass wind and sleep.  They recorded some of their songs at Maui Wave Studio with some slackass bastard by the name of Peter Lago. I wanted to gnaw the tattoos off his legs but he actually turned out to really know his shit. He recorded SLACKER and mixed the songs and they are puttin' out a CD, so I'm just lettin' ya know about it.

 Ya know, if there were more Slackers like these guys I might not mind you ridiculous humans. Slackin' is a lifestyle. Stop your frickin' worryin' and whining about yer stupid jobs. Relax and have a drink. Eat candy, Listen to music. Lay back and shut the hell up.  SNORT!